Change is Good , Right ?

Today , I finally took a leap of faith and quit my job of 2 years. As I type this post I literally just got off of the phone with my former manager confirming my decision to leave. Though I'm filled with conflicting feelings of relief and terror I can't help but ask myself what's next?

In my mind I have all the answers but in reality I still feel beside myself. I have been struggling for the past year trying to find a happy balance between my life and my job and to be honest it wasn't working out for me. I began to resent my job because of all the time I was loosing with the people and crafts I loved and it began to show. That's when I started to come to terms with the fact that it may be time for me to go.

With this subtle confirmation and tons of dope opportunities presenting themselves in my personal life, I was starting to believe that God and the Universe were trying to tell me something. I remember a conversation I had with my Aunt Dee a few weeks ago. I was in shambles. Curled up in the backseat of my car during one of many breakdowns to come I couldn't help but be consumed with this overwhelming since of emptiness and disappointment towards myself. I was beginning to feel like I was settling. I hated my life! I hated how successful and happy my peers where (according to Instagram) and for the life of me I couldn't understand how no matter what I did I just couldn't seem to free myself from this endless loop of settling.

In between deep breaths and snot bubbles my Aunt grabbed my attention to ask a very valid question; " What does faith mean to you? "

Being a ministers daughter of course I promptly answered ; "Believing in things unseen"

She Promptly replied : "We'll what part in that definition do you hear a plan? "

That hit me like a ton of bricks . It wasn't until that moment that I realized I never really gave myself a chance. I realized that I never had faith in myself and my abilities because I was waiting for the perfect moment. The perfect plan or that "moment" don't exist when your operating on faith, you just... "step out" on it. To be honest, what are dreams but desires of the heart that take a ton of faith to pursue?

Now that I don't have anymore excuses as to why I can't invest in myself I have no choice but to go hard for myself and I am actually pretty excited for what's to come. I've decided to surrender my fate to the hands of faith , hard work and dedication. Breaking the news with close friends before making this post live a sister friend shared a very insightful and uplifting note with me ;

So now you have a job to do. That job consist of talking amazing care of yourself and your creative endeavors. Nourish and water what you want to see grow... set an intention and believe that once you leap , the universe will catch you.
— My Lovley Sister Friend

No , it wont be an easy road by a long shot but I take pride in saying I finally chose me! I chose to give myself a chance and prove to myself just how exciting life can be now that I've finally taken a chance on me.

There is no greater investment then investment in self ! 

#KnowLove ,

Mia J!

Dear Fear and Other Friends ...

Dear Fear and other inconvenient friends ,

Fuck y’all ! You have crippled my growth for far too long and now I’m ready to live. You’ve stomped out Hope , Joy and Love for the last time. There is no more room for you left at this table and I’ll tell you why. 

For years you’ve robbed me of friends , opportunities and love leaving me with nothing but my pain and self loathing to keep me company and what miserable company to hold.  For far to long you’ve cause me to second guess my thoughts and doubt my intuition when I needed them the most. 

I hate y’all because y’all made me hate me. You made me cringe at the thought of being alone making me feel as if being alone meant that I was unwanted but oh its quite the opposite . 

Fear my dear, I found love and she loves me stronger and harder than any man could. When I wake up in the morning she holds me with all the love in her heart  as she thanks God for another day to call me her own. She’s constantly shielding me from the seemingly endless pits of depression feeding me positive thoughts and affirmations every chance she gets . She loves the skin I’M in, taking the time to admire it every time I walk by from my lopsided titties down to my knobby knees. 

We haven’t always been this way and there have been several times in which you’ve made me  doubt her. Twice you’ve tried to make me kill her but OH her love was much stronger that any wedge you’ve tried to stick between us. Yes you tried to take her from me but what’s mine can never be taken says the lord. Fear, you hate her because you can never fill the spaces you’ve dug into my heart the way she can no matter how hard you’ve tried. Oh sure, I remember when one upon a time you called your self protecting me in your own way but her love has given me the strength and courage I need to survive the emotional potholes you’ve created.

I love her more that you could ever know and I pray this love continues to grow so strong that the memory of you just becomes a speck drifting in the distance as I bask in my Eternal sunshine. You see Fear, she is me and today I choose to cover her in the love and light she deserves and where light shines darkness can not enter so from this day forward you are no longer welcomed to enter my loves dwelling place. 

Learning to LOVE MYSELF without you,

Mia J. Burnside