Over the past three weeks I've been really trying to dive in head first when it comes to this new #KnowLove journey I've committed myself to for the next year. In this journey to self love I've adopted meditation and other mindful practices into my daily routine. I've been going to therapy regularly now and I’ve recently developed a huge interest in healing groups ,one of my favorites being the Ayaba Sister Circle in Washington , DC.
The journey to self love is always beautiful and uplifting at first but after all the revelations and positive affirmations begin to wear off your still stuck with the reality of actually making said changes in order to improve your relationship with yourself. Yup, once you finally acknowledge all the bull shit you’ve allowed yourself and others to put your heart through you have no choice but to deal with it and let me tell you, to deal is one of the hardest fucking things to do! This is my breakthrough……
One of the biggest things I had to deal with was validation. I put so much into what others thought about me I had no clue in regards to what I really wanted for myself especially when it came to the men in my life . I was a people pleaser , more specifically I was a man pleaser. Now take your mind out the gutter , but you can keep your big toe in the water (lol) .
My self worth and how I saw myself in the world were all contingent upon what men thought of me. I've always felt like I needed a boyfriend or a man to prove to myself that I was beautiful or desired. All of my friends had boyfriend but not me. I was always the homie or the girl they wanted to be with but couldn't bring themselves to commit to because we'll , bitches was throwing pussy and I was desperately tryna hold onto my virginity. I think my struggle to love myself and the skin I was in took a terrible and almost detrimental turn for the worst when I lost my virginity at 18. I was so fucking proud of myself when I did it , in my head I finally found someone who loved me and only me . In my mind, I was the sexiest thing in the whole world because someone actually wanted to call me their girlfriend and I could finally joint the ranks of all the other popping couples in school because that's what you did in high school but boy did I learn fast ,fucking doesn't guarantee love.
The day after I gave my virginity away, that ass hole had the nerve to tell me he was going back to his ex-girlfriend to "close the chapter" with her. I wish I knew then what I know now cause I would have told his bitch ass to get the stepping and leave my heart where he found it but my 18 year old low self esteem allowed my heart and body to be dragged along into a never ending love triangle for about a year until I mustered up enough hate to validate me leaving him for good. After him came another and after that one came a few . So now not only was I trying to hold onto my desperate desires to have a boyfriend but I now had to prove to my ex-boo that I could get someone better than him any day.
Slowly but surly these ideals began to tear away at the very core of my being until finally I broke. Sure I had no problem getting men but heart break seemed to be inevitable for me. I was beginning to think the melodic tunes of love were nothing more than mystical fables catapulting my heart into a crescendo that seemed to always meets its peak too soon. If they “liked” me , I'd fall for them, I'd give them my body and then loose myself in them. Oh how I wish I knew what I know now but the way I saw it, in pleasing “them” I'd never be alone but that couldn't have been further form the truth !
In fact the more I bent, folded, twist and turned for their comfort the quicker and easier it was for them to use me and leave me . After a while I began to accept this complete disregard as the norm. My standards began to plummet as I began to except my fate as the girl they all wanted to lean and grown with but never wanted to keep as their own. I was the stepping stone girlfriend you know the one that goes through all the bullshit but never reaps the benefits of sticking around. I was tired and fed up with love. I was out here turning prunes to plums meanwhile my grape filled desires to love were turning into lost raising in search of the nourishment that I gave away for free with no expectations of an even exchange in return and I just couldn't continue to let my love wither away like that!
It took me YEARS to crack the code to this vicious cycle and once I accepted the common denominator was me, I was able to combat these misplaced thought and unacceptable expectations while regaining some since of self worth and esteem. I wanted to so badly to be loved! But like the song says :